Understand me..

Depression. Just that alone is enough for one person to deal with and live with. I know how the mind plays tricks. I know when the voices start, that it's time I visited my Psych Team. The mere thought of that fills me with dread. I envisage, packets of Anti Psych Drugs. I cannot abide those types of drugs in fact I've argued and pleaded my case many times to my Psych Team to be able to prove that I fair better without Anti Psych Drugs. I've used my creativity to 'medicate' my madness. I managed almost five years without a full blown episode. Well, now the depressive episode now has me in its grips. Raging black moods, irrational thoughts and feelings. Outspoken words whilst in the grips of hell, which some I'm not aware, or I've even said. I don't suppose you can expect those that don't live it to fully understand. However, there is always compassion. Something devoid in the maternal part of my estranged family. Yet I'm ridiculed by those less fortunate, with the thinking capacity of an amoeba. Laughed at by those who want to see me hurt and pay. Poked fun at by those who are a little unstable themselves. Oh how the high and mighty will fall.

Over the last few weeks I've struggled and battled with the ideation of suicide. That would make it all better wouldn't it? No? oh yes that's right, my suicide would leave my children without their mother. My husband without his wife. Would the torment end? Or would it continue? I don't know.

I feel that exquisite moment approaching. That point of no return. Even the thoughts are frightening. It will be end all the pain and suffering that you THINK I deserve. You think I blame every aspect of my life on illnesses. I'd expect that from someone who's insensitive, lacking in any real true emotion other than anger and rage.

It's like being in a dark hole wondering how the hell you got there. It's sticky in there with all your raw emotions for company. Flicking through happy times overpowered by memories of arguments and cruel words. It's a heavy numbness, with the false nothingness within the mind. It is that precise moment when you make your descision to end it all or even try. There is a calm fear that buzzes through your body as your blood pumps around your vital organs. Then you wait for the blanket of darkness to snuggle you into comfort.

It says something that the final moments that you feel at ease with a blanket of darkness while the movie plays through your mind of happy times and sad times. The tears sting your cheeks and they roll and collect momentum. Soon, you're swimming in a sea of salty tears and yet you still wait for peace to come. It never does come, because you are dead and you cannot feel peace. You feel nothing. The only ones feeling are the ones left behind to pick up the pieces. Death is very final, in the search for peace and quiet it is final. Is that what you really want? No? you want me to live and suffer. Here's the thing, everyday I suffer. I've been diagnosed with the following.

Bipolar Dx2003
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder
Schizophrenia Dx2003
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia
DID Dissociative Identity Disorder Dx2007
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder Dx1997
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

Fibromyalgia Syndrome Dx2004
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia

As this is a syndrome, also includes the following
Allodynia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allodynia
IBS
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irritable_bowel_syndrome
Bladder Problems
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interstitial_cystitis
Muscle Spasms
Muscle Weakness
Muscle Pain
Nerve Pain
Temporomandibular Joint Disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temporomandibular_joint_disorder
Bruxism
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruxism
Trigeminal Neuralgia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trigeminal_neuralgia
Myoclonus twitches
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myoclonus
Paresthesia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paresthesia
Hypoglycemia
Borderline Diabetic
Cognitive Memory Impairment
Prolapsed Disc Dx2009

Yes, my children will miss me. My husband will miss me. My Mum and Dad will miss me. My MIL and FIL will miss me. My friends will miss me.