It's a little bit funny this feeling inside..

Life has taken a big dive. I'm in the depressive side of my Bipolar. It's been a long time since I've had a full blown episode. I'm unable to work like I was. I spent most of my days in a dark room and this feels safe to me. I don't want to go out anywhere unless I can help it. I don't want to talk to people except my husband, my best friend and the one person I can wholeheartedly trust.

Everything that has happened over the past three years has hit me like a ten ton truck. I lost my Mum and my Sister. They think I'm a monster I'm sure. I am sorry things have turned out the way they have. My sister thinks she is right. I know she isn't. She doesn't know, nor will she ever know how Dad feels. That is your loss. My mother is probably being manipulated into what she thinks is what she thinks. Weak, yet no one truly understands how it feels to be abused as a child as like another Survivor.

There are three innocent children here who have lost a Grandmother, Auntie, Cousins. There is a big void in my life where they lived.

I've come to the conclusion now that people do come and go throughout your life and there is a reason they are there and it's to teach you what is acceptable and what isn't. Some stay and some go. Some go with blessings and some go under a cloud.

Recently I fell out with someone, who I though I could trust and rely on. Mostly it was a good friendship. She used to let me down and usually at the last minute. I let it go a few times but I never forgot it. This happened more often towards the end of the friendship. I just got to the stage where I thought you know what my time is precious and I will not spend it chasing after flaky mates. This friend once told me that she hadn't had a proper diagnosis for her illness. She said that the consultant said it maybe *not certain* a particular illness. Now, why would someone say that? You either get a diagnosis or you dont? You know who you are. You let me down many times, for me to continue to be friends with you. The argument we had was unnescessary really and I am sorry for that. I will never forgive you for dishing out my private and mobile telephone numbers to your father who threatened me. What are you? Five? Your antics online made me question who you truly was as a person. You know what I'm talking about. Messing with someone's husband is not on! I didn't know what to believe. I mean was it really true??

I am a good person. I know I tried my best and do try my best with everything that I do. My life is difficult enough without all that playground stuff to deal with.

I have a handful of good friends in my life. I know this because when I speak to them it's like we carry on as we left off and visa versa. True Friends dont drop you like a hot potato because a better offer comes along. I cannot stand behaviour like that.

I've been on Venlafaxine for just over a month now, it's making me feel so sick. It was really bad in the beginning. Now it's calming down a bit. My moods are still all over the shop. I'm not sure if I'll stay on this drug for long. We will see. I don't tend to get along with sorts of drugs as they can trigger Mania. This has happened before with drugs like Prozac and Seroxat. I'm not so keen on the Brain Shocks either.

So, I shall keep plodding on...